i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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