Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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