You're my little dorito
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
