TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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