Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
