I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
