Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
