Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
