Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
