Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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