i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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