I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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