My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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