They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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