I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
