My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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