I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
