What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize