I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
