Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
