girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
