There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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