drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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