If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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