New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
