Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Randomize
