Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
