you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
