Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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