I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
