I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
