he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
