Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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