I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
