I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
