i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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