OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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