He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
