I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
