I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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