Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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