In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
