WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
