I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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