I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Randomize
