I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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