I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the day after is always just damage control
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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