I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
