i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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