I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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