1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
