The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize