Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
