when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
