i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
