Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
