and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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