I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
