she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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